


Ladder to Heaven

by stillnotovermylordsixth



Series: Given Winter Holiday Event 2020 [1]
Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt, Friends to Lovers, Genital Piercing, Given Winter Holiday Event 2020, Jealousy, Kissing, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Personal Growth, Teasing, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:42:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21734713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillnotovermylordsixth/pseuds/stillnotovermylordsixth
Summary: Akihiko loves body modification, but even he doesn't believe a genital piercing can change his entire life.Until it does.DAY 1: HONESTY
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki
Series: Given Winter Holiday Event 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1566508
Comments: 12
Kudos: 188
Collections: Winter Holiday Event





	Ladder to Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! :) since you're here, I imagine you're at least a little familiar with Given. Feel free to skip down to (**) if you are! ;)
> 
> But if not, no worries! Here are a few things you should know to get the gist of this story: 
> 
> -Akihiko and Haru are part of the band Given, in which they play the drums and bass, respectively.  
> -Akihiko is usually perceived as a bad boy because of his appearance, but he's actually a very kind, understanding person.  
> -Haru is very sweet and very patient, but also a leader and can be stern when he needs to be.  
> -They're both bi and have been friends for a couple years.  
> -They're both attracted to each other, and Akihiko constantly flirts with Haru, but neither has tried to take things further.  
> -Akihiko lives with his ex-boyfriend, Ugetsu, and their relationship is pretty toxic; Haru doesn't know any of the details.  
> -The other two members of Given, Uenoyama (guitarist) and Mafuyu (vocalist), are briefly mentioned.
> 
> **This is just my silly version of Aki and Haru FINALLY owning up to their feelings for each other <3  
> I hope you enjoy! And don't forget to leave your feedback in the comments! ;) it is much appreciated. 
> 
> THANK YOU <3

It's entirely possible that Akihiko sounds a little too casual when he asks Haru to accompany him to the tattoo shop after their studio session.

He _does_ mention it's for a new set of frenum piercings to complete his Jacob’s Ladder, and Haru shocks him by merely shrugging and agreeing to go, no questions asked.

It’s not until their walk to the shop, when Akihiko starts talking about _other_ genital piercings he'd like to try someday, that Haru nearly chokes on his own spit and vengefully shoves Akihiko halfway to Korea.

Akihiko responds with a barbaric laugh. "I _knew_ it!" he shouts with glee. "You had no idea what I was talking about! No wonder you were so cool about it!"

The violent blush growing on Haru’s face is perfectly priceless, even if he refuses to speak to Akihiko the rest of the way.

When they arrive, Akihiko half expects him to continue his quiet sulk in the waiting area, but Haru surprises him by asking, "Why do they call it a Jacob's Ladder?"

"That's your homework," Akihiko replies with a wink, and Haru's biting remark is interrupted by the professional piercer asking Akihiko to come to the back. Akihiko eagerly hops to his feet, but when Haru doesn't move from his seat, he glances down, repentant.

"Would you mind keeping me company?" he asks, then adds a little awkwardly, "Y'know, to distract me—while they do it?"

Haru's eyes narrow, scanning his face for another trick. Akihiko nibbles on his lip ring nervously and after a beat, Haru's expression softens.

"Fine," his friend sighs, reluctantly rising to his feet. "But I'm not watching _any_ of it!"

Things start out well. 

Haru listens intently during prep, sitting up ramrod-straight and nodding along as the piercer explains all about the procedure and aftercare—important information Akihiko tunes out since he's heard it for every piercing he's ever gotten. The tally’s at twelve now, if he’s not mistaken, but this is Haru's first time accompanying him and Akihiko has the amusing suspicion that his friend is itching to take notes.

Haru doesn't watch the _actual_ prep, which consists of the very innocuous handling of Akihiko's genitals: cleaning, disinfecting, and marking for placement.

Instead, Haru turns all his attention to Akihiko's face and does what he was brought along to do. He tells Akihiko all about the latest customer drama he overheard during his morning shift at the cafe, effectively distracting Akihiko from the awkwardness of it all.

It works perfectly. Haru’s dramatic reenactment—complete with voice changes and a vast array of expressions—makes Akihiko laugh so hard that he momentarily forgets about the impending pain.

Haru eventually breaks character and laughs, too.

Not for the first time today, Akihiko finds himself staring a little too long at his friend's flawless smile. He vaguely wonders how many other people are aware of just how good Haru is at impressions and a selfish, ridiculous part of him hopes it's a talent Haru saves exclusively for him.

Becoming aware of Akihiko's stare, Haru blushes and averts his gaze. Unfortunately, it lands on the instruments that will be used for the procedure, fresh out of the sterilizing machine. In the blink of an eye, horror replaces the smile on his face. 

Akihiko knows the needles look worse than they feel, but Haru—who has never had any kind of body modification done—does not. And now his friend is doubled over in his seat, exhaling with a pained sound, like he just took a knee to the crotch. 

Akihiko quirks a brow, somewhat amused. "You alright there, Haru?" 

"Ooooooh—haaaaah," comes the high-pitched response with an accompanying grimace aimed at the floor. Haru's knuckles turn white as he grabs a hold of his own knees. “Oh, no. Nope. No. This is bad.”

Now Akihiko's a little worried. 

"Haru, chill. I’ve done this before." 

Haru doesn't seem to hear that. He brings a hand to his eyes and exhales with a groan. “This is really, really bad, Aki. Please don’t do this.”

"What? Hey," Akihiko pats his head, in what he hopes is a reassuring gesture. "I swear, it's not as bad as you think."

“I don’t believe you,” Haru groans again, his ponytail whipping around as he shakes his head. “Why do you need _more?_ How is this necessary?”

Akihiko snorts. “Because I _want_ more? What do you care?” he replies, regretting the harshness of his tone as it reaches his own ears.

Haru’s words are low but the exasperation in them smacks Akihiko in the face. “I'm just trying to understand, Aki. Why do you do this to yourself?” 

Akihiko blinks at him for a moment, taken aback. Then it strikes him that perhaps Haru isn’t being judgemental; he’s genuinely concerned. He wants a real answer and Akihiko supposes it’s a fair question, though perhaps not one he’d been expecting to answer in front of a stranger. So he pauses a moment to go over his motivations, and pretends it’s only Haru who can hear him when he reveals what rings true to him. 

“It’s for me—mostly. I mean, I like the way it looks. But I know most people think it’s freaky. So I guess, in a way—it’s kinda like a test for anyone I want to share myself with.” He stares up at the ceiling, actively avoiding the piercer’s presence and Haru’s reaction. “You know, they—uh—it’s a part of me they have to accept if they want the rest of me.”

From his periphery, he notices Haru unfold a little with a sigh, the hand that covered his eyes now running through his hair.

"If you're gonna throw up, you better step out," the piercer, whose name Akihiko already forgot—it's not his usual guy, unfortunately—says with poorly veiled annoyance.

"He's _fine_ ," Akihiko growls, searing him with a glare before turning back to Haru, who is looking positively green. Akihiko hopes that's just a trick of the light. 

"Haru, it's fine" he says softer, reaching for Haru's closest hand to try to get him to look at him. "Trust me, it looks a lot scarier than it feels. And it goes by super fast—I'll barely feel it!"

After a moment's hesitation, Haru's fingers release their death grip on his knee and accept Akihiko's offered hand. Akihiko tries not to think too much about how natural it feels to hold his best friend's hand even though he's never done it before.

Haru keeps his eyes trained on the door, clearly calculating an escape even though it's Akihiko who's splayed out on the table, waiting for the needle. 

"Are you sure about this?" Haru whispers, his fingers—cold and slick with sweat—tightening around Akihiko's. 

"Yeah, it'll be great," Akihiko stage-whispers back. "You can take a look once it's done," he adds with a sly grin, knowing full well that Haru _won't_ look at the third and fourth metal additions to the shaft of his penis. Akihiko knows it has less to do with his friend's queasiness and more with the massive crush Haru harbors for him. 

Sure enough, Haru's ears burn red, but he doesn't take his eyes away from the exit. Akihiko grins and offers a reassuring squeeze. When he receives a small one in return, he nods at the piercer, who's looking more bored by the second.

After that, there's deep breathing involved, which Haru participates in as well ("Calm down, Haru. I'm not having a baby," Akihiko would tease, under different circumstances), then a sharp sting that feels a little like death. It takes a while for it to fade to a dull throb—in fact, much longer than he remembers it had the first time around. Akihiko doesn't realize he's holding his breath until Haru's soft, golden eyes appear right above him.

"Aki? Are you okay?"

He lets out a long exhale. "Mm? Yeah! Yeah, doing great," he smiles. His voice sounds a little strained, and Haru's eyes narrow marginally.

The piercer asks if he's ready for the next one and Akihiko voices an affirmative. 

“You’re sure?” Haru asks in a low voice and Akihiko nods a little too quickly. He has to keep going before the throbbing gets unbearable. 

"Alright, let's do this," the piercer mutters, sounding more alive than he has all evening. He instructs Akihiko through the breathing techniques again, and it’s during the second long exhale that Akihiko realizes it's his own hand that's trembling, not Haru's. 

"Hey," Haru says, looking much better than he did when the needles first came out. There's color back in his cheeks and concern in his eyes, but also a small smile tugging at his lips. His hand is a vice, holding Akihiko steady. "You got this, Aki. It's almost over."

Akihiko's eyes widen, surprised by the change in Haru's demeanor. But instead of wondering more about it, he nods and focuses on his friend's eyes, trying not to drown in the warm pool of kindness he finds there.

When the needle enters this time, a small sound escapes him and he clenches his jaw against the pain. He waits for the sting to fade before taking another breath.

And it is a glorious breath, one with Haru's bright smile and a "You did great, Aki," while his hair is playfully ruffled.

But then Haru's thumb lingers a little over Akihiko's temple and his smile dims. The sudden shift in Haru's expression sets all kinds of alarms off in Akihiko's brain and he's about to ask what's wrong, when the piercer interrupts with something akin to glee. 

"All set, man! Wanna take a look?"

Akihiko raises onto his elbows, vaguely registering the absence of Haru's hand in his. Then he's too distracted by his crotch to think of anything other than the four barbells decorating the underside of his shaft. They cross horizontally through a thin layer of skin to complete the ladder he's been wanting for _months_.

"That is sick!” he shouts with a joyous laugh. “Haru, check it out—"

But Haru's already stepping out of the tiny room.

"I'll wait out here," he says quietly before shutting the door behind himself.

…

Akihiko takes some pride in the fact that he’s not waddling when he walks out into the waiting area. Every step is crazy uncomfortable but he is _powering through it!_

His mouth turns down into a frown when he doesn't find Haru. A quick glance out the large shop windows, though, reveals his friend leaning against a streetlight, smoking a cigarette.

Something about his posture makes Akihiko wary, and he wonders if that's just his imagination. He mentally rewinds the events of the past hour, trying to puzzle whether he said something wrong. Nothing comes to mind during his short walk to the door.

The night is warm but a gentle breeze welcomes him when he steps out. Haru merely offers a sideways glance before taking one last drag from his cigarette. “Ready?” he asks, pushing off from his spot.

“Yep." Akihiko responds neutrally. "Kinda hungry now. You up for some yakisoba?”

"I'm—uh," Haru starts, avoiding Akihiko's gaze as he sticks his hands in his pockets. "Maybe another time. I've got some things to take care of at home."

"Sweet!" Akihiko grins, taking the lead for their walk to the station. "I'll cook something for you, then. As a thanks for coming with me today."

After a few yards without the sound of a second pair of footsteps, Akihiko looks back over his shoulder expectantly. Haru's eyes meet his for a moment, but Akihiko doesn't get enough time to read them before they drop back to the pavement.

The walk to the station is mostly silent, but not in the comfortable way it usually is. There's a strange tension between them, something making the air a little too dense, and Akihiko recognizes it as the heaviness that develops whenever Haru is trying hard to keep something from him.

Eventually, they reach their destination and stand side by side, waiting for the subway that will get them closer to Haru's place. 

Akihiko scrolls through his social media accounts, pretending he doesn't feel the awkwardness radiating from his own skin. That is, until Haru breaks the silence. 

"I don’t want you to cook for me."

"Mm? Not hungry?" Akihiko asks distractedly, hoping he only imagined the sadness in his friend's tone. When Haru doesn't respond, he pockets his phone and turns to face him.

Haru looks past him, staring intently ahead at the tracks as their train arrives and comes to a stop.

"Haru?" Akihiko asks, immediately confused by the clenched jaw and deepening frown on his friend's face.

"I can’t do this anymore, Aki," Haru says so softly that Akihiko almost misses it over the cacophony of passengers exiting and entering the train.

"What are you—"

"Why did you ask me to come with you today?” Haru snaps, finally looking up at him with a deep hurt in his eyes. “Why not that girl you're always driving around? Or your—your _roommate_?" 

Akihiko’s eyes grow wide. He’s not sure what catches him off guard the most—the mention of Uenoyama's sister, who has desperately been trying to make something happen between them even though he's not interested, or the way Haru spits out the last word, like he _knows_ Ugetsu is more than a roommate. Like he knows the "ex-boyfriend" part doesn't matter much when the loneliness gets the best of them and they’re both so conveniently familiar with each other’s bodies already.

But Haru can't possibly know how much Akihiko hates himself every time he gives in. He doesn't know about the irrational hope in Akihiko's heart, that Ugetsu will finally give him more than what he's been willing to give thus far. Akihiko doesn’t understand it himself—why he stays in an environment that makes him miserable more often than not. He doesn’t know how to justify the insanity of it, how to explain his years of addiction to Ugetsu’s special brand of toxicity. 

“Why bring me along for this? I mean—is this your way of testing me?” Haru shouts, and Akihiko understands it’s not just to be heard over the surrounding noise.

“What is this, Aki? What _are_ we, huh? You flirt with me and—and you toy with my feelings! You make me care about you in a way—in a way I've never cared about anyone else before!" Haru takes a shaky breath and points at him with an accusatory finger, eyes shimmering wet. "I’d do _anything_ for you, and you constantly take advantage of that!”

Akihiko gapes. In the two years he's known Haru, he's never seen such pain displayed on his face. And the fact that it's there while he speaks those words feels like a kick to the gut. He opens his mouth to deny everything Haru is saying, but the words dry up on his tongue. He can't deny the truth.

Haru scoffs incredulously, clearly hurt even more by Akihiko's silence. So he continues, voice and tears growing shakier with every word.

“You lead me on and make me feel special—like you want me, like there's a chance something can happen between us—but then you’re completely unavailable. You do that with everyone, don't you? To keep your options open! It’s so unfair, Aki! I mean, is it fun for you to torture me like this? Giving me just enough to keep me around, then pretending you have no idea how I feel?!"

Akihiko's mind races to keep up with the speed of Haru's truth bombs, but it appears he's all out of time. 

Haru shakes his head and releases a long breath. "Just—don't follow me home," he sighs, hands rising in a warding off gesture when Akihiko disregards his request. "Please, Aki. I don't want you there."

Akihiko pauses and watches his friend go. But the act of standing still while Haru's defeated figure get farther away feels worse than all the piercings he's ever gotten put together, so he moves.

He barely reaches Haru in time to grab a hold of his arm before he can step over the bright yellow gap.

"Haru, wait!"

Haru looks back for a beat, the moment Akihiko needs to tell him how he feels—how much light and happiness Haru's brought into his life from the first day they met—but the moment passes, and Haru yanks his arm away.

“Go home, Akihiko,” he mutters stiffly, slipping past the doors just before they shut. 

Akihiko stares in shock through the glass that separates them. He can't remember the last time Haru called him that.

His best friend stares back, only inches away, yet completely unreachable.

The train starts to move and Haru turns away. Akihiko feels his chest cave in when he catches Haru swiping at his cheeks before disappearing into the crowd. 

…

Akihiko's attempts to contact Haru go ignored for the next week and a half.

He tries his friend's apartment twice, and both times receives no response even though he can hear Haru moving around inside.

As tempting as it is to drop by the cafe, Akihiko knows it's unfair to corner Haru at his workplace. So he doesn't.

He almost expects Haru to skip practice just to avoid him, but as the band leader, his friend is too responsible for that.

Haru does shock the entire band, though, when he shows up without his beautiful long hair. 

"Ha-Haruki-san! Your hair!" stammers Uenoyama with his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. "But—what happened?!"

"It's short," supplies Mafuyu, who is perhaps the least affected by the dramatic change since he's known Haru the least amount of time. 

"Ah, haha, yeah," Haru says with an awkward smile, running a hand self-consciously through his hair. "It was getting to be a bit of a hassle."

Akihiko picks his jaw off the floor, recovering just before Haru meets his gaze. 

"It—uh—it looks good," he says simply, because it really, really does. More of Haru's jawline is visible now, and his eyes appear larger, a deeper shade of caramel. He looks amazing; more handsome than cute now, but Akihiko regrets that he won't be able to play with his hair anymore or see the creative updos Haru comes up with every other day.

The worst part is that Akihiko suspects this sudden change is a message for him: a severing of ties, in a way—of hope that something could blossom between them, perhaps—and it feels a little like being gutted.

Something in Haru's gaze hardens before he clears his throat and starts unpacking his bass. "Alright, let's get started," he mutters.

Their jam session starts out rougher than it has in years. Haru refuses to look at him (or listen, for that matter), rebelling against Akihiko's rhythm by establishing his own. This, in turn, throws everyone off and after almost an hour of nonsense, it takes Uenoyama’s outburst of “What the hell is with you two today?!” for them to settle down and form a somewhat decent sound.

When it comes time for a smoke break, Haru does not accompany him.

...

Weeks drag into months and slowly, Akihiko's life begins to change.

He debates with himself for a long time, but eventually decides to move out of Ugetsu's house. His dependence on his ex-boyfriend makes him feel completely worthless, and as broke and terrified of letting go as he is, part of him wants to find out what he's capable of accomplishing on his own. A friend from college offers him a place to stay temporarily, and even though Akihiko worries about being a burden, the decision feels right, deep down in his gut.

For a while, it feels like he's dealing with two break-ups at the same time. He physically misses Ugetsu, and is close to going back to him on several occasions. However, the thought of having to go through the merciless pattern of sex, guilt, and jealousy all over again is enough to keep him away this time.

His communication with Haru improves inside the studio (it has to, if they plan on keeping the band alive) but remains practically nonexistent outside of it. Smoke breaks aren't even a thing they do anymore, and if Akihiko is honest, Haru's absence hurts many times more than going cold-turkey from Ugetsu.

He often wonders if he should've done more to try to save their friendship. If he thinks about it too much, though, his days usually end in a downward spiral.

From what he sees in the studio, Haru seems to be doing fine. He's back to his cheerful self around the band, so Akihiko figures he's moved on without him. To avoid the profound sadness he feels at this realization, Akihiko focuses his energy on productivity by pouring himself into the music, his studies, and his many part-time jobs.

But damn, how he misses him.

He misses the times at Haru’s place, when they’d stay up drinking late into the night, talking about everything and anything—except, perhaps what really needed to be addressed between them—and he got to crash on his friend's couch. He misses waking up to Haru's scent, embedded in everything in that tiny apartment.

Akihiko misses his friend grumbling about how Akihiko's cooking always has the same flavoring, and the way he went on to happily devour everything Akihiko set in front of him anyway. But more than anything, he misses Haru’s blush—the adorable way his cheeks would flare and he'd chew on his lip whenever Akihiko played with his hair or simply mentioned how silky and beautiful it was.

Apart from that, Akihiko's life settles down to the point where he is fine going through the motions of his daily routine. The band even manages to land a few gigs opening for more popular bands here and there. But it’s not until intermission during their latest gig that Akihiko finally feels something inside him crack.

Given has already played their set, and are in the audience to support friends in other bands. Standing at the bar to Akihiko's left, Uenoyama’s sister, Yayoi, is talking his ear off. And to his right, only an arm’s length away, Haru is having a drink with his close friend, Yatake.

It may be an effect of the booze, but Haru is leaning into his friend a little too close for Akihiko’s liking. Then Yatake pushes a loose strand of hair behind Haru’s ear and says, “Maybe it’s time you came over to my place again.”

Akihiko's chest _burns_ and Haru’s response after “Take-chan!” is drowned out by the ambient noise as well as by the increasingly loud pounding in Akihiko's head.

But he catches the way Haru's cheeks grow bright red when he laughs, and the spark of jealousy in his chest spreads all the way to his toes in hot, angry waves. 

Haru's smile fades a little when he catches Akihiko staring and Akihiko drops his gaze, embarrassed. He knows he's being ridiculous. It's not like their relationship ever got past the platonic stage. So why does Haru's flirtatious laugh feel like a betrayal of enormous proportions?

It occurs to him then that perhaps he never fully came to terms with losing his best friend.

And that's when the bar starts to feel uncomfortably stuffy and Yayoi’s prattling starts to sound more like senseless noise. His hands start to shake with restless energy and he knows he has to get away from here before he does something stupid. So he pushes away from the bar, interrupting Yayoi's questions with a raised hand. 

“Sorry,” he mutters, and doesn’t stick around to hear her stuttering response.

He hurries through the crowd, heading to the back exit where he knows he's less likely to run into acquaintances or be dragged into unwanted conversations.

He slams the door open and the cool air outside slams into him just as hard. Still, he finds it's much kinder on his lungs than the warmth indoors and he takes a few steadying breaths. He watches fog leave his mouth with every one, and reminds himself that he has no right to be jealous in any capacity. When that doesn’t calm his furious heart, he leans back against the wall and resorts to the one thing that works every time: a smoke.

And it does. Every drag is a soothing hit, and even his hands stop trembling after a while.

For a moment, he can appreciate the moon casting down the brightest light as it emerges from its shifting cover of silver clouds. Even if all it does is light up a cluster of bald trees, a few old cars, and an empty dumpster. The view, as uninspiring as it is, has a calming effect on him, and he manages to normalize his breathing once again.

At least, until the door grinds open beside him and the person he's trying to avoid the most steps out. 

Akihiko’s heart stutters when their eyes meet. He is usually a master at maintaining a composed mask. The piercings decorating his face and ears help with that because they intimidate most people.

But Haru isn’t most people.

His friend freezes when he sees him, an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips. Akihiko’s eyes widen and he forgets how to breathe, how to move.

Surprisingly enough, the force of habit comes to his rescue when he automatically raises the lighter he's holding in his jacket pocket. 

Haru watches him closely before accepting the offer, leaning into the flame with a hand to shelter the little flicker of light from the wind. 

“I thought you quit smoking,” Akihiko manages to say when Haru pulls away.

His friend inhales deeply and blows out into the night before offering a shrug. “I quit smoking with _you_ ,” he says simply, crossing his arms and bringing a foot up on the wall to lean beside Akihiko.

Akihiko hums, waiting for the sting of that comment to fade a little before attempting a proper response. Despite that, he’d be lying if he said it didn’t feel nice to get a tiny taste of their routine again after months of tension. He doesn’t want to ruin it, but he can’t help the words that spill from his mouth.

“So,” he begins, staring straight ahead to keep Haru from challenging the nonchalance in his eyes. “You and Yatake, huh?”

Haru makes an amused sound, blows smoke out in a quick breath. “Is that really any of your business?”

Akihiko fights the urge to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, if only to catch a glimpse of his best friend beneath the unfeeling mask Haru is currently wearing. 

“No,” he grinds out through his teeth instead. “I suppose not.”

A minute of silence passes, maybe two, before Haru speaks again, softer.

“I'm not really sure how to approach you anymore."

Akihiko frowns, a fresh spark of anger igniting in his chest. " _You_ don't know how to approach _me?_ You haven't even tried!"

Haru purses his lips but doesn't meet his searing gaze, so Akihiko returns it to the dumpster only a few yards away, half expecting it to go up in flames with how hard he's glaring at it. 

"I overreacted that day—when we went to the shop," Haru says.

Akihiko is taken aback by the sadness in his tone and feels his self-righteous anger dissipate as quickly as it appeared.

"I put you in an awkward position by... expecting more than you could or... wanted... to give me. And I’m sorry about that," Haru continues quietly. "I'm sorry I ruined our friendship.”

Akihiko processes that for a moment. He certainly hadn't expected an apology, especially when Haru wasn't the one responsible for the end of their friendship, not really. Sure, he was the one who distanced himself, who gave up on communication altogether. But that was only his way of coping with Akihiko's indecision. He'd quietly powered through it for so long that it was no wonder he'd finally snapped.

Akihiko sighs. “I don’t think you overreacted," he murmurs, immediately feeling Haru's eyes on him. His friend's silence urges him to elaborate, so he does.

“It was a long time coming, I think. I—um. I’m sorry I asked you to go with me that time. It was a weird request to make of you and—I was out of line.”

He catches Haru’s head shake in his peripheral vision.

“You know that’s not what the issue was,” his friend responds, voice low with a tinge of frustration.

“I know.” He pauses, takes a deep, smokeless breath before continuing. 

“I took you for granted; your friendship and any feelings you had for me. Truth is... that day, I needed moral support and I used you like I always do—without taking your feelings into account or thinking about what you needed from me.”

Akihiko waits, but when Haru doesn't respond, he goes on.

“You asked me why I’d taken you and not... my ex. At the time, I couldn’t tell you because… because it would’ve held no weight to tell you that I needed your approval—that I wanted you to accept me—when I was still in so deep with him.”

“‘Was’?” Haru asks under his breath.

“Was,” Akihiko confirms, then returns to his cigarette. The direction the conversation has taken is making him nervous, especially since Haru has stayed pensive for most of it. There's another long silence, in which Akihiko wonders where they're supposed to go from here.

Eventually, Haru does speak.

“You needed my approval?” he asks. "Why?"

Akihiko finally turns to face his friend. It's more terrifying than he expected, now that he's been stripped of his defensive anger. In fact, he feels completely exposed; he no longer finds the cold night air soothing. 

“Haru,” he swallows, feeling the full weight of Haru’s solemn gaze as it bores into him. “You know why.”

“I don’t,” Haru counters, but the intensity in his eyes softens a little. “Not really.”

Akihiko shifts uncomfortably, takes one last drag off his cigarette for courage before snuffing it out. Then he straightens from his spot on the wall and stuffs his hands into his pockets instead of trying to figure out what to do with them.

“Because you’re—uh—someone I—admire,” he ends lamely.

Haru’s eyes widen a bit, then he nibbles on his lip and glances at the floor. Akihiko wants to kick himself.

“I mean—uh, it’s not just that,” he backtracks, glancing down at his own shoes for a better way to explain himself. “I—I've never met anyone as kind and generous as you, Haru. Ever, y'know? You inspire me to try harder... to be better.”

He chances a glance up and finds all the encouragement he needs when he catches a small smile spreading on Haru’s face.

“You know, I thought a lot about what you said. About me being unavailable," he continues. "The way I was living—I hadn’t given it much thought before. Kind of just… kept going along with it because it felt safe… comfortable. It was what I'd known for years. But it didn’t feel right. Not anymore.”

Akihiko takes a step closer, refusing to avert his eyes from Haru's anymore. He catches the faint change of color in Haru’s cheeks as he approaches, and yearns to touch it, if only to feel the rush of warmth beneath his fingers. But he doesn’t.

“I wasn’t ready to change," he admits with a sad smile. "I think... I needed a rock bottom to do that. And losing you was it.”

Haru’s lips part in surprise, and Akihiko holds his breath. Here it comes: the part where Haru tells him he deserves to be alone, for using people the way he does. Or that it's too late to make amends because Haru doesn't care anymore.

An eternity passes while Akihiko waits for him to speak, but Haru’s mouth only closes without a sound.

He steps back, oddly disappointed. Doubt about sharing any more than he already has, begins to swirl in his gut.

But Haru straightens from his spot on the wall and closes the distance between them again. He extinguishes his cigarette before reaching for Akihiko's hand.

“So what happened then?” he asks.

Akihiko startles, looks down at Haru’s long fingers squeezing his gently. His heartbeat runs wild, a sudden stampede in his chest. 

“I struggled,” Akihiko replies. “It wasn’t easy—ending things for good with him. He was such a vital part of me for so long. Or at least, it felt that way, y'know?"

Haru nods, and Akihiko once again feels at ease, just like he did that day at the shop with Haru's fingers around his. He takes a shaky breath and tells him everything; how painful it was to let Ugetsu go, how hard it was to move out without a stable place of his own. He tells him about the couch surfing and how he's saving for an apartment. The words pour out in what feels like an endless stream, but Haru listens without interrupting.

When Akihiko feels drained, like he's finally spilled it all, he ends with, "I’m trying, Haru. I swear, I really am.” 

“Aki,” Haru whispers, and Akihiko holds his breath because that's the first time in months that Haru's called him by his nickname. He focuses on the moonlight reflected in his friend's golden eyes. “I wasn’t trying to force you into making that choice. And I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time," Haru says with another squeeze of his fingers. "But I am so proud of you. Really.”

Akihiko sighs, feeling an overwhelming weight lift from his shoulders. But there's still more he needs Haru to know. So he finally musters enough courage to say what he couldn't all those months before.

“You are special to me, Haru. More than you can imagine."

Haru's eyes widen and Akihiko's heart begins to thrash about again.

"I did tease and flirt with you. But I swear… I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I really do like you. And I care about you—so, so much.” He reaches up, hesitating to touch Haru’s face, lest it be an unwelcome gesture. But Haru smiles, leans in so Akihiko’s fingers glide over his skin. His eyes glow bright with unshed tears. Akihiko has to swallow the knot in his throat, feeling the sting in his own eyes as well.

"I'm so sorry," he finishes quietly.

Haru reaches up to press Akihiko's hand more firmly against his face. “I’ve missed you, Aki.”

Akihiko feels his throat tighten even more and lets out a slow breath.

“Yeah?"

"Yeah," Haru says with a small tilt of his head. Akihiko grazes the top of his cheekbone with his thumb, and is struck by the softness of his skin. It's as beautiful as it is devastating.

He can't imagine going back to a life where he doesn't get to touch it again.

"Haru," he starts, tentatively. "Look, I know maybe there's... a thing... between you and Yatake. And I'm not trying to ruin that. I just… I really need to know…if there's any part of you that still feels something for me.”

Haru's blush grows a deeper shade of red and he averts his eyes. “Mm. So Take-chan and I have a thing now because he offered to trim my hair?"

Akihiko's eyes widen as his brain registers the words.

Haru's mouth twitches up into a grin. "Is that all it takes to get over you, Aki?” 

Akihiko takes a sharp breath as the flood of relief breaks through the rest of his doubt. He pulls Haru into his arms, chuckling at the startled squeak his friend lets out.

After a brief hesitation, Haru’s arms circle around his waist, and Akihiko squeezes him, laughing harder.

“What’s so funny?” Haru demands with a snicker of his own.

“Mm, nothing,” Akihiko murmurs, taking a deep breath of Haru’s scent and letting it swirl inside him like smoke. “Just... how stupid I’ve been," he sighs.

“Ah,” Haru hums, gently leaning his head against Akihiko’s. “I think we’ve both been pretty stupid.”

Akihiko threads his fingers through Haru's hair, the short locks feeling simultaneously strange and familiar in his hand. He hears a soft hitch in Haru's breath, feels him shiver and tighten his hold around his waist.

"I just—" Haru's voice fades and he swallows. "I was tired of being led on by you. But for the longest time, I've—really, I—" his voice breaks and he buries his face in Akihiko's shoulder. 

"I know," Akihiko whispers, turning his face into Haru's neck. "I love you too, Haru."

Haru gasps then lets out a muffled sob that breaks Akihiko's heart. He feels the tears burning worse at his eyes just as Haru's fingers dig into him. He doesn't let go.

Akihiko has no plans of letting go, ever again.

Haru radiates warmth, comfort, and understanding. Akihiko's never sought these things before, never thought he was the kind of person to need them in his life. But now he wants them all, and wants to learn how to be the kind of person who provides them, too.

He's not sure how much time passes with them holding each other like that, but eventually, he feels Haru's entire body relax into him. He finds a loose thread in Haru's sweater and twirls it mindlessly between his fingers.

"Haru," he says softly, nuzzling into the soft space behind his ear. "Do you want to be with me?" 

He feels Haru's breathing quicken, but Haru doesn't pull away. 

Akihiko closes his eyes and draws slow lines across Haru's cheek with his nose. His whole body aches to kiss him. But he pauses when their noses brush against each other, waiting for Haru to decide what to do. Akihiko's fingertips linger on Haru's neck where he can feel the pulse pounding just as hard as it is in his own head. 

Then slowly, Haru turns until their lips are touching. "Yes," he sighs, his breath hot against Akihiko's skin. His lips part a little wider, and Akihiko's heart fights to crawl out of his throat. 

He takes Haru's face into his hands and presses in, guiding Haru's lips more than dominating them, tasting warm, salty tears as they fall from Haru's eyes.

He strokes Haru's cheek, pulling away a little. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, just before Haru is pulling him right back in. Waves of heat surge through him when he feels Haru's breathy moan.

He fights the urge to devour him right then and there. But then, it's his turn to moan when Haru's tongue makes its debut, gliding over his lip ring before slipping into his mouth. Akihiko uses the hand in Haru's hair to tilt his face and kiss him like he's dreamt of kissing him all this time—warm and slow and deep—until they're both standing there breathless and incredibly hard.

Akihiko is glad to find that he's not the only one affected this way by their kiss. He can feel Haru through his jeans, where their bodies are still pressed together, and he grins victoriously. 

Haru seems to realize this and makes a panicked face until Akihiko assures him with a much softer kiss, that he should not be ashamed. Then he chuckles and says, "I really missed that look on your face."

"Jerk," Haru grumbles, shoving him away with one big push. Akihiko stumbles a little before catching himself. But there's a radiant smile on Haru's face now, and he's struck silent by its impeccable beauty. 

The smile recedes a little, when Haru becomes all too conscious of him staring. A fresh blush colors Haru's cheeks and he runs a hand nervously through his hair. "So, how’s your—um—you know—how's the—healing going?" 

Akihiko blinks, confused. It takes a while for him to figure out what Haru is referring to, but when he realizes it's his pierced penis, he does not waste the opportunity to tease him again. “Why, Haru. You shock me! Straight to the point, huh? Won’t even buy me a drink first?”

Haru's eyebrows shoot up on his forehead and he turns a much darker shade of red. "That's not what I—! You—! Oh, forget it!" He glowers, crossing his arms over his chest. Akihiko snickers, stepping closer to poke at Haru's furrowed brow. Haru smacks his hand away but his face lights up a little and his indignation seems to fade. 

“You know, Jacob’s Ladder—" Haru begins. "It comes from a dream in the bible, right?”

“Yep,” Akihiko grins, flattered that Haru's curiosity actually beat out his anger long enough for him to look it up. “It's a ladder to heaven.”

Haru rolls his eyes, a playful smirk tugging at his lips. “So, what—is that supposed to say something about your sexual prowess, then?”

Akihiko’s grin grows wider and he winks. “Wouldn’t you like to know, hmm?”

Haru socks him in the gut and Akihiko lets out a breathless laugh. He can’t complain, though—the action brings him that much closer to Haru’s smiling lips before the gap between them closes.

**Author's Note:**

> The next parts of this series will take place after their relationship is already established ;D 
> 
> Thanks for reading. I hope you stick around! <3


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